life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
