A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
