Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
