i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i believe in u and ur pee
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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