My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
