Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize