is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
