I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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