Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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