dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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