so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
