I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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