But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
