I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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