Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize