I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
