the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
