theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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