i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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