Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
