my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
