why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
