I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
