Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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