I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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