Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
