Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
