they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
