I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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