Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
