We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
