I feel like abortions should bother me more
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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