His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize