Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
