Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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