I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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