My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize