a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
