Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Holy sore nipples Batman
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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