brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
