I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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