I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
