The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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