my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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