Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
