Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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