I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
