I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
