got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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