I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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