new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
