I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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