6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
