I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
