I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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