here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
