Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
