Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
